My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.