@Adam14: My wife doesn't have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I'm not allowed to run away with
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@TheHyyyype: [arrest] ME: you've got the wrong g- COP: tell it to the judge [court] ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
@Easy_Tiger__: If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@Abusitron: How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple