My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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Morning my dudes.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.