@weinerdog4life: My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
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@CoopFogg: When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I'm a pretty princess". And they do. And I am.
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
@tastefactory: You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he's talking about.
@LilMamacitaDont: I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have "followed" me. I'm getting choked tonite. Help.