@weinerdog4life: My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
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@Sickayduh: Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients? Me: Well, I'm just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces
@OneThirstyNaut: Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly
@CheryeDavis: Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all...So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.
@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.