WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.