I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
pep talk
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace