We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us
@lovemydogduck: I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
@ArfMeasures: ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
@kelkulus: Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
@LoveNLunchmeat: You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it's cuz that restaurant hasn't dusted since 1986.