I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
😂💯
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.