To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.