@thatstings: My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
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@Home_Halfway: I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it's nice to see agreeable babies out there.
@MelKassel: The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I'm like "What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me"?
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@T_Bonezzz: When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier