@thatstings: My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
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@werehedgehog: Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
@inmynewskin: Teacher: you can be anything you want Me: Beyonce Her: well, not that (we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...) Me: Hi I'm Beyonce
@leechee420: How do I tell a guy that I'm only interested in him because I'd like to take selfies with his puppy?