@thatstings: My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
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@jakebrodes: chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord me: I just want some nuggets man cfa employee: I Would Die For You
@JElvisWeinstein: They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."
@LoneWolfStories: Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.
@JamieGreenlees: I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying