My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
greetings!
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Okey dokey.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!