@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012

@themafinch: My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

@SlabBaconBP: Im the guy that says "Is he bothering you?" when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@PetrickSara: If you haven't woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

@SamGrittner: People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.