My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
kitchen magnet
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.