My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.