My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me