@KentWGraham: My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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@juliussharpe: Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. "Biff"?? "Happy"?? Dude, take five more minutes.
@sixfootcandy: Me:*Gently nudges your arm* Would you like to be my Valentine? Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
@VerifiedDrunk: Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.