@KentWGraham: My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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@matt_simpson84: The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
@Qu4rtKn33: Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day.
@LeBearGirdle: Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss
@DanMentos: *passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*