My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor