@Audenary: Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe? Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information. (Pause) Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*

@KateWhineHall: My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it's my husband.

@Brampersandon_: A new study finds that chicken isn't as healthy for you as once thought. "Just don't ask to see our data" clucked one feathered researcher.

@dafloydsta: How to tell if your kid is doing drugs 1. Are your drugs missing?