My wife gives the best headache.
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Body by sandwich.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Wednesday
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.