My wife gives the best headache.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”