The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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concern
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
new career option?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?