Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.