So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
You Might Also Like
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.