My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You Might Also Like
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
No, I don’t think I will.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
#FunnyLife Insects
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time