My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken