@rcromwell4: My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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@ScottLinnen: Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
@Brampersandon_: STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
@HenpeckedHal: Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he's more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
@yerpalmildsauce: WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher ME: in the what now *a metallic voice sings out: ＤＯ ＹＯＵ ＢＥＬＩＥＶＥ ＩＮ ＬＩＦＥ ＡＦＴＥＲ ＬＯＶＥ*