@rcromwell4: My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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@living_marble: It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
@Underchilde: My boss caught me sleeping on the job and told me to clean out my desk as if he didn’t just see how lazy I am.
@Reverend_Scott: Me: I'm too scared to fly Therapist: You're more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
@ch000ch: if i ever go missing please don't use that photo of me holding a sign that says "if i ever go missing don't look for me." thanks