My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?