My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
You Might Also Like
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.