my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool