My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer