My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Mornin
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”