@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."
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@cpsemple: Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
@TheBoydP: It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall...
@causticbob: I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal. He asked me to pay in advance.