@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."
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@miffedmim:  The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio. Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
@FavoritesYou: Why do people say its not you... it's me in a breakup? Yeah it's YOU, you're an idiot! I'm amazing... ask your brother!
@Parkerlawyer: I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness. Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.