@markhoppus: MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED "MARK DON'T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@bonehugsnirony: Therapist: don’t take things personally Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
@imteddybless: [cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and... Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant. Writer: No. Disney: Just her mom? Writer: No. Disney: Her dad? Writer: No. Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog? Writer: Nobody dies! Disney: Get out.
@thesupergrobi: I love you so much, I'll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.