*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
You Might Also Like
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
selfie game
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
#dnd #ttrpg
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
why I oughta
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.