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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
The news is so predictable nowadays
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit