i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I created you as mosquito food.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*