Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.