My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo