My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Sign of the day..
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new