@Slims_Ramblings: My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
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@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@vultural: If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don't come back they aren't a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
@LemmingDad: Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.