Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.