My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.