My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“what that mouth do?” complain
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
What is going on? 😅
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?