My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?