What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”