My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You Might Also Like
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.