My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I get distracted pretty eas
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Yup.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”