My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle