My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
This is Sparta
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.