@Parentpains: My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn't a joke its a cry for help.
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@Reverend_Scott: That IS a banana in my pocket AND I'm happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
@numbertze: When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really really hard and holy shit they travel fast when you let go
@AKcrazy18: Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.