My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.