@Parentpains: My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn't a joke its a cry for help.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half [raises my hand] magician: and then... put back together [lowers my hand]
@MelvinofYork: My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
@liv_thatsme: Me (blindfolded): It’s “brains,” right? Manager at Olive Garden: If u don’t get your hands out of that woman’s pasta, I’m calling the cops.