@Parentpains: My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn't a joke its a cry for help.
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@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
@AimeeHelene1: I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room. The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren't they?
@KevinFarzad: I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that's a burrito. I love burritos.