I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh