sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.