*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
A roof is a house hat.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”