@novicefather: My wife is addicted to goji berries but I wish she was addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
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@Brianhopecomedy: "Hi, I'd like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please." "$3.23." "Oh, and a bottle of water." "$87.54. Please drive thru."
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister. I grounded them both because I'm not raising any communists.
@GrantTanaka: Barista: name? Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch Barista [writes "Benedict Cumberbatch"] Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit