Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice