My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
You Might Also Like
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.