My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.