My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
This is my pinned tweet
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?