@IntoxicaTweeted: My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Cashier: "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." "COOL, I'LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN."
@BlindChow: "You lie like a doge!" I tell my wife. "So deceit!" I add. "Very fraud!" I mention. "Much fiction!" I point out. "Wow," she says.
@GloriaFallon123: My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring