My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The point of your 20s
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️