My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.