@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage
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@thetobbie: Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it's been since we've been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair...
@WhiskeySoured: To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.
@bourgeoisalien: Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people's lives to avoid buying gifts. You're welcome.